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iamnotdiddy

  1. I hate typos, but you know what I hate more? If you guessed "Getting your penis stuck in a mayonaise jar.", you're messed up. And right.about 7 hours ago from UberTwitter
  2. When referring to (quote) @fakeapstylebook (endquote), the proper context is "FUCK! ENOUGH ALREADY!"about 7 hours ago from UberTwitter
  3. If you think I'm an asshole, star this tweet. P.S. - I banged your mom.about 14 hours ago from web
  4. For the record, I was construing shit out of context on the Internet long before Al Gore even invented.about 15 hours ago from web
  5. @mikey_moon Sadly, it was an Asian guy that told me I had a small Jewish penis. Fuck. My life.about 16 hours ago from web in reply to mikey_moon
  6. If I ever sucked a penis, I hope it would be small... like a Jewish guy's. There pretty small... so I've been told.about 16 hours ago from web
  7. Pro Tip: Avoid saying three words after sex that you saw on Twitter. It's not worth getting kicked in the balls by a drunk midget for.10:45 AM Nov 8th from UberTwitter
  8. I'm not certain, but I think he means being on the @favstar leaderboard with me. RT @BarackObama: This is History.8:46 PM Nov 7th from web
  9. #3wordsaftersex: Tweet that shit.7:53 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter
  10. Voices In My Head: He looks like Alfred Hitchcock. You expect birds to fly out his ass any minute. Me: I need a joke for that. VIMH: Douche.7:39 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter
  11. If I had a vagina, I'd find a way to make it taste like strawberries. It just seems like the right thing to do.3:28 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter
  12. Pro Tip: If a woman asks you to suck her penis, don't do it. You won't like the outcome. Trust me on this one.7:53 PM Nov 6th from UberTwitter
  13. "It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense." - Mark "Free Mustache Rides" Twain1:33 PM Nov 6th from web
  14. 3YearOld: A-B-C-D-E-F-Y-I-L-O-L-M-A-O-M-G-W-X-Y & Z! NOW, I KNOW MY ABC's. Me: WTF? 3YO: You know your ABC's, too! YAY, DADDY! Wife: FML.7:29 AM Nov 6th from web
  15. My Follow Friday List & The Last Honest People on Twitter: http://bit.ly/3fRFxI7:18 AM Nov 6th from web
  16. is beta testing twatter.com. It's great. Tweets are called "twats", limited to 69 characters & taste like screen cleaner.3:24 PM Nov 5th from web
  17. If denial is the 1st step to every 12-step program, I'm betting there's A LOT of men giving other men blow jobs right now. No homo.7:37 AM Nov 5th from web
  18. I'm sandwiched besween @shitmydadsays & @sween on the @favstar leaderboard. They're so close I can ALMOST touch their penises. Know homo.2:36 PM Nov 4th from web
  19. Last night, my daughter asked me why my belly was so big, so I was honest with her, "I eat babies, dear. Now, go to bed, honey."9:55 AM Nov 4th from web
  20. Camel Toe*: http://twitpic.com/o8t3w *Warning: Graphic. Do not click link if you live in Utah, South Dakota, or Cincinnati.7:06 AM Nov 4th from web