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MrBigFists

  1. Obtuse? You think I'M being obtuse? Do you even know what that word means? WELL. THEN. Would you mind telling me because I haven't a clue. about 4 hours ago from web
  2. "How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality. about 5 hours ago from web
  3. The way the bartender is watering down my drinks is really dampening my spirits. about 18 hours ago from web
  4. I have a couple of bones to pick with you. #1: you never greet me at the door naked anymore. "I never did that." Which brings us to bone #2. about 18 hours ago from web
  5. I bet court stenographers would make great massage therapists for gnomes. about 19 hours ago from mobile web
  6. There's a waffle shortage? Has Belgium started posing sanctions against us? If they stop exporting chocolates, I say we invade. about 20 hours ago from web
  7. @brianbolter You'll just be subjecting yourself to unnecessary lip service. about 21 hours ago from web in reply to brianbolter
  8. @adtothebone I trust you remembered to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, no when to hand wash and when to dry clean. about 21 hours ago from web in reply to adtothebone
  9. So you're blind but look on the bright side... I mean, turn to the dark side... I mean, go into the light or something like that. about 22 hours ago from web
  10. I have a friend that's fairly thin but his wife is tremendous. I think he's a sumosexual. 9:51 AM Nov 19th from web
  11. Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back. 6:26 AM Nov 19th from web
  12. When Jimmy cracked corn, I didn't care but when Jimmy started cutting the cheese, that's when we stopped hanging out. 6:03 PM Nov 18th from web
  13. But Honey, the channel was stuck on Fox News and I couldn't find the remote. As I saw it, I had no other recourse but to buy a new TV. 4:53 PM Nov 18th from web
  14. @JephKelley or margarine. 4:41 PM Nov 18th from web
  15. I appreciate it when people tell ME I have food in my teeth, so I was surprised the pimly teen got upset when I said he had a pizza face. 4:03 PM Nov 18th from web
  16. @Laurashmlaura I wish that all of my thoughts were original but sadly, that's not always the case. Thanks for notifying me though. 4:00 PM Nov 18th from web
  17. @toldorknown As a designer I typically steal ideas without remorse but I must apologize to you sir. I even starred the original post. 3:42 PM Nov 18th from web
  18. @Laurashmlaura Apparently @toldorknown's time machine is far superior to my own. His tweet is a testament to how funny the joke is/was. 3:22 PM Nov 18th from web in reply to Laurashmlaura
  19. I just replied to a DM on my phone & it showed up in my stream. Good to know. I would hate to share something inappropriate with all of you. 1:54 PM Nov 18th from web
  20. He approached her awkwardly, sweat seeping from every pore. His voice shook as he spoke. "Can you tell me how to get back on the highway?" 11:45 AM Nov 18th from web