The Intricate Art of Being Yourself

We don't observe how we grow up and a lot of events and interactions that form our future selves happen without us noticing them. I did not realise till I was in my late twenties that I'm not only constantly subjected to sexism but that I spread it.

"A female coder is like a guinea pig - not a pig and not from Guinea" - I have heard and repeated this exact joke over and over, despite being living proof of how untrue it is. Have you ever caught yourself thinking "He cries like a girl"? I did and back then I didn't see anything wrong with it. Heck, being rejected on a job interview just because I can get pregnant made sense to me at some point!

And when I did start to pay attention to these "little" things I felt ashamed. But truth be told it wasn't me: these ideas have been planted and nourished by my environment for decades leaving me with an ultimate question: What part of myself is actually me?

What is your favourite colour?

I've approached the challenge of solving my identity crisis in the only way I know - step by step and starting with a proof of concept.

I've looked at my wardrobe: it was full of black clothes and some rebellious pink shirts. Now that I thought about it, it was clear that my wardrobe has been assembled by the principles of "Do not wear white, it makes you look even more fat" and "All girls like pink", leading me to yet another revelation: I had no idea what my favourite colour was.

I closed my eyes and started imagining random items in random colours in the hopes that something will spark joy. To be honest, there wasn't a clear winner, but I have chosen the white colour to be my favourite.

Self 2.0-rc1

With the proof of concept in hand, I started to iterate on a more serious question: what do I want? I knew the "nots": I didn't want to be a bystander, I didn't want to be shy and obedient and I didn't want to compromise my moral principles anymore. Eventually, the answer was ready: I most enjoy making things and people better.

When you know the direction, it's just a matter of time till you get there and for the first time in my life, I wasn't in a rush. I didn't change my behaviour overnight: the next time I was in a store I chose a white shirt, the next time I was offered an opportunity to expand my horizons - I've accepted the invitation.

One of these opportunities led me to meet like-minded people, extremely smart, passionate, caring and most importantly, following a moral compass. I've had the skills they needed and shared their view and they were able to offer me a perfect environment where I can nourish myself both professionally and individually.

Do you know the feeling when you finally refactored the code so many times that now it is absolutely perfect and the only thing left to do is to take on another challenge and iterate? That's exactly the feeling I have now. Every day there's something new! There are challenges, there are ups and downs, but there's trust, security and little to no ego!

The other day an applicant asked me during an interview about our stance on diversity. "You mean apart from me being a female tech lead?" - I joked. But the truth is there was never a need to specifically look for a non-binary front-end developer or a dog expert of specific gender: people from different backgrounds, domains and races have been joining the cause and bringing the diversity as a bonus. To be honest it never occurred to me before that my skin is probably the lightest of all.

I know the world is getting madder by the second and talking about my wins might feel disrespectful to all the people whose life is hanging by a thread. But I assure you it's not. Perhaps now it's even more important to look deep inside ourselves and start shaping a better version, one patch at a time.