Placing our orders at Panera, we both order soy milk hot chocolate.

Cashier to Angry Vegan: “Would you like whipped cream on that?”

Angry vegan: “No!”

Me: “Yes for me and I’ll take hers as well!”

Cashier: (laughs)

Angry Vegan: (does not crack a smile)

Me to Angry Vegan: “I see on your Facebook photos you eat steamed crabs. Does that actually make you a crabetarian?”

Angry Vegan: (not laughing) “I DON’T EAT CRABS ANYMORE!”

There wasn’t a second date

It’s a good thing you lost your job

Recently adopted 15-year-old tuxedo cat says: “See how I’m dipping my paw in the water bowl you placed on the floor and licking water from it? That means I have arthritis and it hurts to bend over that far.”

Me: (raises the bowl up to the height of a Rubbermaid container) “How’s that?”

Kitty: “Still too low”

Me: (adds the height of a second Rubbermaid container): “Okay?”

Kitty: “Better but can you keep it filled ALL THE WAY TO THE RIM?”

Me: “Sure”

Kitty: “Could you also pour water into it while I’m drinking?”

Me: “Of course”

Kitty: “Could I also have a tall human drinking glass upstairs with a wide mouth at the top?”

Me: “Yes”

Kitty: “Could you make sure it is filled up to the top… at all times?”

Me: “Yes:

Kitty: (starts sitting in the bathroom staring at the closed shower curtain)

Me: “Would you like to get into the tub?”

Kitty: (jumps in)

Me: “Water?”

Kitty: (drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks from the stream coming from the faucet)

Kitty: (begins meowing periodically throughout the day/stares at shower curtain/jumps in tub/sits in tub staring at faucet waiting for me to turn it on)

Me: (Obliges. All. Day. Long.)

Me: (purchases cat drinking fountain)

Kitty: “It’s too low”

Me: (props it up onto a small cardboard box) “Ok?”

Kitty: (blank stare)

Me: “How about if I press my finger where the water comes out to make a better/higher/longer stream?”

Kitty: (drinks and drinks while I’m straining my back, bent over to press the nozzle, wrist locking up)

Kitty: “Can you do that every time I’m thirsty?”

Me: “Of course”

Kitty: “Now about that canned food….”

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The Benefits of Long-Term Unemployment When Your Cat Has a Drinking Problem was originally published in MuddyUm on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Dear Ellis or Edith, this child still inside my womb. I’m trying to name you, but it feels like it’s too soon.

Are you Berkshire, the successful banker? Or Vance the scientific type? Are you forty and still named Parker or a hippie stuck with Milton?

Are you Oliver my quiet, gentle boy? Or Claude the hockey star? Are you Alan the stable husband? Or Frank the greasy punk?

Or is my fluttering child all feminine and pearls? Are you Clarissa, Cordelia, Corrine, Juliet, Lacey, or Chanella?

Are you a young woman who is plain but sure of her own mind like Page or Pam or Camden? Or are you sage beyond your years Adele, Edna, or Emma?

God, I really hope you’re not a Marissa or an Ashley.

Do you want a current, trendy name that is great until you’re 30? Like Rea, Adura, Chesca, Maya, Mikaela, Civern, Syd, Casey or Ryder?

I can hear your soccer coach call, “Go Adura” or “Run Chesca!”

I see you graduating from college, “Ilona Adura Sedit.” Or signing your name to an executive memo, “Linden C. Sedit.”

Will Marley stand in a full white gown at the wedding altar? Or will butch Verna in her motorcycle boots make her femme lover happy?

It may help to understand that I come from a generation of bored Franks and Jims and Cindys and Cathys. We often feel a little bland.

But by all means Jocelyn Deegan Ellie Ely Marleena Sedit — if you don’t like your name then change it.

A Butch-Loving, Queer Femme’s Thoughts On Naming Our Children was originally published in The Parenting Portal on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Thank you for purchasing tickets for the Sex and the City New York City bus tour! Here is some useful information about your upcoming event:

1. Meet your bus at the Bergdorf Goodman store on the corner of 56th Street and 5th Avenue at the designated time. Look for the tour leader who will be carrying a faded blue, polka-dotted umbrella — hey, we’ve been doing these tours a long time. Fading happens! The tour guide will also be wearing dirty old sneakers with her dress. Don’t worry: they are in fact Manolo Blahnik sneakers. Carrie Bradshaw would be proud!

2. Update: We just found out that Bergdorf Goodman is actually at 57th Street and 5th Avenue. Sorry!

3. Another update: We didn’t realize there would be a five-hour Polyamory Pride parade on Fifth Ave that runs past your pickup location, so instead of our bus pulling up to the curb, we’re going to adorn it with a lot of poly-looking people tossing condoms to the crowd. Just hop on as we pass by!

4. There won’t be a restroom on your bus, but don’t worry. We’ll be visiting the port-a-potty where Charlotte gets her flash period in season one of And Just Like That!

5. Just a heads-up that anyone sitting beyond row six on the bus won’t be able to hear the tour guide’s microphone due to the very loud air conditioner in the back. You’ll get to feel just like Steve in the reboot when he develops age-related hearing loss. Won’t that be great?!

6. Please note that since too many people on previous tours went into Magnolia Bakery asking things like “do you have a restroom” or “please help me get off this tour,” we are no longer allowed to stop there. Instead, we’ll show a choppy 10-second video of the scene with Carrie and Miranda having a Magnolia cupcake and everyone will be given a mini cupcake we’ve imported from Lancaster, Pennsylvania just for you!

7. If you’re still hungry after the tiny confection, don’t worry because we’ll stop at the takeaway soup restaurant from the famous “Soup Nazi” episode. Oh sorry, wrong show!

8. Stops on the tour will include:

-The store where Charlotte buys condoms during a snowstorm for her daughter. Be prepared to stock up!

-The actual garbage can in Brooklyn where Steve’s mother eats a piece of pizza she finds in the trash. We can’t guarantee you’ll find pizza, but fingers crossed!

-The book drop Carrie uses at the New York Public Library. Fun fact: the library once got a sex toy in that book drop. Even funnier — the lady later came back for it!

-The Microsoft store on Fifth Avenue. We don’t know if Carrie ever shopped there, but if you buy something we get a commission, so shop away!

-The front steps of the brownstone where Carrie lived. Make sure to wave at the man screaming from the front door. He really loves our visits!

-The bar that Aiden and Steve opened where you can purchase a Cosmopolitan for the same price New Yorkers pay — $32! We have these special made by the gallon a week in advance so they’ll be ready for when you arrive!

-The Museum of Women Who Actually Wear High Heels While Walking Around New York City. This stop won’t take long!

-The store where you can purchase Carrie’s beloved Fendi Baguette, but converted to a crossbody bag to help prevent getting purse snatched.

8. One more thing to note: New York City has a lot of traffic. Sometimes our bus gets into an accident causing us to have to abandon you in the middle of nowhere. Just remember: tour tickets are not refundable for any reason. See you soon!

Etta Sedit is a queer femme, humorist, and former professional house cleaner. Her poem “How to Eat Your Words” was published in The Berkshire Eagle when she was 12. Find her on Instagram @ettasedit or Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ettasedit/

Reminders for Your Sex and the City Bus Tour was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.